070813 - I was missing you.

i was missing you.
then i remembered how you quietly went to watch hangover with him.

i was missing you.
then i remembered how you had to ask me umpteen times if i did not have school on the day i was supposed to have convocation.

i was missing you.
then i remembered how you allowed someone else into the room which used to be ours the moment you moved in.

i was missing you.
then i remembered how i did not receive even a simple goodnight after staying up to wait to ensure you would be okay after talking things out with him.

i was missing you.
then i remembered how you used to reassure me things would eventually be okay when you already knew you wanted out long ago.

i was missing you.
then i remembered that you had to intentionally ask him to not text you when you were with me so i didn't know that you guys were still talking.

i was missing you.
then i remembered that you obviously enjoyed and wanted to talk to him but kept denying it in front of me.

i was missing you.
then i remembered you don't wear my bracelet anymore.

i was missing you,
then i remembered you told me we had many months to look forward to, many vdays ahead, which were all lies.

i was missing you,
then i remembered on our first year you left me alone waiting for nothing.

i was missing you,
then i remembered that my efforts in making your 21st special was met with ultimate rejection.

i was missing you.
then i remembered when i was locked out and sleeping alone in the car at night, you were not there for me a single time.

i was missing you,
then i remembered how many nights we had so much difficulty trying to let what we shared go, but how easy you are dealing with it right now. We had so many nights of tears, so many nights of deciding we wanted each other more than anything. Nothing of that left now.

i was missing you,
then i remembered that you were dishonest about him sending you home after work.

i was missing you,
then i remembered you changed my name in your contact list so easily,

i was missing you,
then i realised, i actually don't miss you anymore.

and for everytime i miss you subsequently,
i will come back here and reread this.
and tell myself,
why i shouldn't miss you anymore.