040813 - 有些人你永远不必等。

Neutiquam erro. 

It has been a long, tiring journey. I lose myself many times, and I tell myself the same things all the time. 

I love school. I love school for the fact that it keeps me sane, really. It's like the motivation to get up, the motivation to look forward to every other day. I do not have anything to complain about, I have no marking, and even if I need to stay back for CCA I have zero planning to do. Maybe I spend hours and hours inside there, but at least there is someplace I gotta be, there is something I gotta do. 

Still abit upset about having to scold the girls from the Thursday session, but I guess you gotta do what needs to be done. They were my favorite session, and I rushed back for them. But they really took it too far that day...

I like walking around and stopping by to chit chat with different students all the time. They are not meaningful conversations but they are attempts to know the students better, attempts to make my job slightly more meaningful. 

I sat through the entire MM night w you. I don't know what you were thinking, were you worried? Were you embarrassed? Would they ever be able to link it up that you are the reason why I'm green? Maybe i was lucky they did not asked me what happened to my previous relationship. 
Luckily they did not ask, 'why did you guys break up', because, what could i say? Should i say 'oh, she decided she wanted to be socially accepted', 'she found another guy'? 

And lucky they did not ask you, how many did you have previously, it would have broken my heart to hear you say '1'. 

Just cause i don't love the normal people, would that mean i don't know how to love, or i can't love?

People are asking 'how do you cope with it', 'how do you handle it', 'how can you look so fine'. i shake my head and smile. The truth is, i can't, and i don't. How can i ever accept everything that has happened? Same shit, different person, different time. 5 years later the same thing happens.

'actions speak louder than words. just alws rmb that, if someone wants to be with you, he/she will be with you. if someone really wants anything, they WILL go do it, as long as you still have all these lingering feelings expressions bla, you'll forever feel like shit no matter how much she shows that she "cares", but the actions don't show' 

'you would def make that extra effort for someone you love, won't you' it has been an very obvious and glaring past 6 days. I thought i meant alot to you. I thought. 

'let it go' 

i was told 'i'd marry you in a heartbeat, if you were a guy', but i'm not, and i've come to terms with it that it's not my fault, although it's working against me. It just ain't fair. Sometimes you just gotta depend on yourself. 

Anybody can tell you anything, but they will never tell you how to let go. you do it on your own.

Anyway, it has already been 4 months. Wow. Time to not let this get me down, anymore.