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Its this familiar dread i'm getting again, i'm hoping that this time i'll be more prepared, and because i'm more prepared i'll be able to handle it better. I will not go running down the street whining and screaming for you to come back to me. I will not go to you and ask "why have you become like that", "what happened to us". I will not head to the store and get shots, i will not get myself drunk in hoping that it'l numb me. That was me 4 years ago. 


4 years down the road, i'm better prepared for you to go, i'm prepared to let you go. Its that this form of forever to me has never been shorter and harder. Everyday is like a new countdown, nothing makes me secure enough, i can feel really happy but there will always be this voice in my head nagging me, saying that "this is temporary and it will not last",
and since you still want to decide if you want to lose him completely, i guess he probably means something to you.

Thats okay, :). I chose to stay out of this because i don't want to have to be the one to tell you whats wrong or whats right, i wish to keep this little faith and believe in you and myself, and if there could be, us. If it has to be, it has to be. I love you but there's so much i can do if the line is drawn.


These days, these events make me think of L. even more than ever. The feeling of drift, the decreasing amount of replies i get everyday, the increasing difficulty it was to be with her, the decreasing amount of conversations we had.  The dying heart, the weakling in me. There she left me hanging, telling me she's sorry and that she would still want to be my friend. There i was believing, wishing i could still hold her hand. I took more than a year to withdraw, living everyday half dead, so numb i threw myself into something else that i thought was what it should be. It wasn't supposed to be that way but i thought i felt so because i was numb. Now i'm back here, feeling the exact same way i thought i wouldn't have felt for anyone again, and baring all the risks that come along.


Some days i ask myself why am i so silly, but i can never find the answer. I'm all in, i fell too deep. Its like i'll never get out of this abyss. Its like you'll always be there somewhere, where L. is. 


And when it happens i will face it like a brave soldier. I will fight on and concentrate on my studies and games. I will not show the slightest hint of weakness which you are not supposed see. You're supposed to see that i'm strong and i'l be fine. I could still be a friend and be there by your side. But i know i'l need to give my heart a break and i'l probably never be able to love again for a really long while because i'll be too scared.


But since i've embarked on this path there's no looking back, there are new verdicts everyday and my greatest challenge now is to take them on with renewed strength and courage. And with everyday, i will find ways to keep my fire burning, to keep my heart alive. Even if i die inside, i'l be happy knowing you're in a much more comfortable position, knowing that you are not having problems accounting to yourself, your parents, your friends. And i'll be happy knowing that you are happy, and i'l be here, like how i've been all this time.


ily, J.