110513 - I did not choose to be this way.

I have never had this identity crisis before.
Or, sort of.

But recently i just feel very much like a misfit. And i start to get angry at myself, and i start to wonder things i've never wondered before. I don't want to be this way, i don't want to be under the scrutiny of many others. I don't like it that when i look ahead, the road seems pretty empty, and it seems like i'm going to have to walk the rest of this path probably by myself.

I'm so tempted to just go back to what people deem as normal, find someone, and just pretend it's okay. Its okay that i'm with someone that i don't like. Its okay that i can't be myself, and it's okay to sleep beside someone you don't feel anything towards.
I don't know if this is part of growing up, but i know it's definitely not something that i want deep down in my heart.

I don't like it that i make you feel uncomfortable also. I don't like it that i kind of, dragged you into this shit hole. I don't like it that it confuses you, makes it difficult for you to face your friends and family, makes it difficult for you to face me, makes it difficult for you to live your life normally.

Obviously, i don't want you to go.
That dreading feeling is coming back again.
I know i got too comfy with you for the past week. I've been spending quite some time with you, it almost feels like we are back in the past where i didn't use to worry about you leaving me.
But its not that way.
It was never that way.
I was almost deceived into thinking things could go back to those days, where i didn't count down. Where i counted our days up, when i looked forward to every 5th.
But wake up net! Its not going to happen, and you're going to leave one day.

Now every 5th is another scary thought, i don't dare to plan anything, i don't dare to assume anything. Its a really sickening feeling. Trying to tell myself i'm going to lose something i've always wanted to have, fffff i can't explain it. It just sucks, really. Its just 20 more days, to a year. Would it mean anything to you? Because it means the world to me. It means we've survived so much together. I have placed my whole heart and soul into this, i want to hold on to you so much. But i can't.

I appreciate very much your efforts for talking to him lesser, but i also have to face it that you have your future to consider. Your mom is right, it'll be tough for you to find a partner in future. I don't want to hold you back.

Much as i hope you will walk through more years to come with me.
Where to find this someone.
Or rather, why do i keep hoping you'll love me enough to do so?

I wish i was straight,
then things would be easier.