010213

Last time, i used to be told that i always did things for others. I always placed others first at the disadvantage of myself. Many others told me that i was too nice and i allowed other people to bully me.

But after that, i thought it was okay to do many things for others because i was hoping others would be nice to me. Sometimes people think of me at times, and that made me happy. Sometimes i didn't wish for anything much, i just wanted maybe them to talk to me a little more, include me a litte more in some things.

To you(1) and you(2), you(1) i've known you for so long. You were one of the people i first knew and probably thats why I tried to make it last. I think maybe i did many things, some stupid, some normal. But either way that was maybe the first time i felt like nothing really bothered me and i was willing to do most things.

Then after that to the many other yous, i agreed very easily to do many other things. Maybe i just wanted to be well-liked.  Maybe i just liked to be involved in many things. That got me MANY acquaintances, maybe 1 or 2 true mates. I was like that for very long, until i got tired.

I got sceptical. I learnt to say No. But after gaining this authority and power to Say No, i felt like i had the right to choose many things. To the extent that i found excuses for myself when things go wrong. Last time, when things go wrong, i would say, I'm Sorry, i might have erred in some ways.

Now, when things go wrong, i am very defensive. I ask "Why", i say, "No, i don't think so and you can be unhappy because i feel that i'm right". Last time i was very easily swayed, i always lost in arguments. I see my wrong, and i will apologise. But then they will respond, "sorry doesnt work", "sorry is too easy for you to say". I lost hope (?). But now, i fight back. And i say "i dont give a damn, you can be angry, whatever, because i know i'm right and i did not do anything wrong".

But after something happened last week, for the first time, i tried to rationalise. I tried to ask around and see if i was really wrong. And it dawned upon me, i was wrong. And i started to ask myself, why have i become like that? Sometimes i help others at my own expense, to the extent that i really feel dumb. I compromise to much to the extent that people i barely know would agree i'm easy going and nice. But there are also others who say, why do i always give in so easily? I give into arguments to easily, i admit my fault too easily even if it might not be mine.

But now i fight back too much. I lost my reasoning, and everybody deserves some sceptism from me. I hate that part of myself. when people ask me dubious questions, my first response would be, they want something from me. But thats not true. Thats not always the case. And i'm not always right.

But each time after the remorse comes in, the same shit happens again and it seems like i'm being unreasonable again because i don't compromise. And i ask, why should i? Because i've all along done so.

So, there's simply no way out. I've set the standard for myself that if i'm wrong, i'm just wrong. If i attempt to fight back, sometimes i'm being unreasonable. So much for learning how to say No. I guess i liked myself better then, when i tried to please everyone. Because they were happy. And somehow that made me happy. I guess.